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Not soon. Its going to be in about 730 days, but I have decided to move. Baltimore just isn't me anymore. It's time for me to go on. I've done a lot here in this city, and it's quickly become my home. However, sort of like my real home - I gotta go. My growth is pretty much done, and the next stage, the PhD, the full time professorship, it can't be done here.
Portland is where I am heading. Portland, Oregon. It seems to be a nice city. I will visit it 5 times over the next 2 years, to see it in every possible season. I know the Pacific Northwest is where I need to be, and I have to do this.
So now, a lot of planning. A lot of work. Saving. Selling. Change, change, change. I want to take $30,000 with me to the West Coast, so that means I have to buckle down. It will be...involved, but it won't be impossible. I can do it.
I'm going to use this journal in a new way, to reflect on Baltimore, and to project what I need to do to get to where I want to be.
Portland, here I come.
What does this mean? It means some things are going to have to go by the wayside. When I think of some things that are important, then they MUST happen. It means my goals are within my reach, and that the only thing that is standing in my way...is me.
What is happiness? What defines it? Is it a degree? Nope. That feels good for five solid minutes, but that's all it is. Is it a relationship? Nope. Work? Nope. It's joy, and that's what I need to work towards. My dreams, my passions, my...yeah.
All the things that hung me up when I was younger are gone. I feared I would go broke. No fear of that now. I feared I would have a crappy apartment forever. Nope, gone. I feared I'd be overweight and couldn't control it. Nope, that's gone too. Cash in the bank. Stylish apartment. Major poundage drop. All happened.
I spun some time with some people who were all on the verge of wanting something, but couldn't verbalize it. So it wouldn't materialize. And as they played out little passion skits this weekend, one thing struck me the entire this: this.is.not.me. My happiness, my joy isn't predicated on my ability to find man x, or finish paper y. It's the simple things that matter. The moments where I can just sit there and say...wow. I refuse to accept that anything is ever as bad as it seems. It goes back to Taoism. It just is. That's all thing are.
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This might all seem like rambling, but its a clarity that's going on in my head right now. I realize..a lot.
* I got tapped to do some consulting work for Whitman Walker a few weeks back, and Saturday was my first day. It's interesting; even though it was my first day, I had to spend the entire day teaching other people how to do the job (I've done it at Johns Hopkins part-time for a bit now). That was quite a strange thing. The people seem generally nice, and for a gig that's only once a month, it's something to do. Oh, and they reimburse for EVERYTHING. So - my train ticket to get to DC, my metro fare, my food....everything. Being a consultant/contractor is GREAT.
* I didn't get the amazing raise I thought I would get while being put into the new position at work. But...I am now the Program Manager. Whatsit mean? Well, I kind of run the entire cancer program for Baltimore City, which is phenomenal. So, at 34, I'm managing the health of a city...or at least one aspect. Who cares if I am paid a lot more? It looks hella good on a resume and I won't stay here forever.
* FINALLY moving forward with the thesis, and received positive comments from the advisor. It really looks like it will be done in 3 weeks. Beyond. Happy. Beyond. So graduation is May 22nd. Sigh. Yay.
* Now that I know I definitely can't go to Ireland, I'm planning other trips for the summer. First have to figure out when I teach this summer (which I am pretty sure is Tuesday and Thursday), so that will curtail any trips in July or Aug that are longer than the weekend.
* My new apartment is wonderful, but I realize I can't stay there forever. It's nice and all, but I need to move towards owning something. And if I don't start now, with a 15 year mortgage, it won't ever happen. Ever.
* The beach is this weekend. It will just be good to relax.
This week should be one of my easiest on record.
SD
Remember the big rush that came about on the Wii? Remember that EVERYONE had to have a Wii because it was so cool? Remember how hard it was to find a Wii for the longest time?
Y'know why people wanted the Wii? Because it looked cool. Not the functionality. Not how fun it was. Not to even take the place of the XBox or whatever. Just because it looked cool. And it was different. So what do we have now? Probably 20 or so million Wiis collecting dust because the coolness is wearing off.
Even though I fell into the Wii onsalught, this all became real for me when I friend of mine with probably the worst case of ADHD in a human being wanted a Wii. It made no sense. He was nearly 40 and barely played the video game systems he had. And he was willing to spend $250 that he didn't have on a Wii. Ridiculous. When he got all hot and bothered about getting a Wii, I was like "Okay, I'm done". It was just a stupid fad.
Thus the iPhone.
I am not arguing the utility of the iPhone. It has some great aspects and elements, and would be useful. A lot of people use their cell phones to do EVERYTHING, so for them, the iPhone is ideal. People that do a lot of web searches, GPS, all that stuff...yeah...the iPhone is useful. I kill time online on my cell phone, so the iPhone could be of use to me. I was really considering getting one.
Until
Until
My friend who is as technologically savvy as a toaster just got his new phone. An iPhone. He has had the same cell phone for years, and the only thing he ever did on it was call. Seriously. He didn't even text on it until I taught him how to (and would only text me). And now, this idiot has an iPhone.
What he will discover is that it is "too much phone" for him. But now, I seriously don't want one. It just seems stupid because the fad will wear off. I had a benefit considering I always use my phone AND I need a new iPod...but....
Even though I don't necessarily WANT the iPhone, I've decided I will get it in June, because my contract w/ AT&T will be up, and I get it at a crazy discount. So, it's worth it. I got rid of my iPod a few months ago, so it would be kind of nice to have an iPod again.
I have to finish my presentation for the ESS. Wait, I have to start it.
I have to go to Ikea this weekend. Wonder if Keith would want to go.
I'm tired and the day has just started.
Why am I hosting the game this weekend?
I need to save an extra $150 by mid-April.
This is just a cheesy list.
I have to turn in the "draft" of my Master's thesis this week; I will do it by tomorrow. I have to basically stick it all together and have something functional in the next four weeks. That will be difficult.
I've decided that , regardless of what Maryland says, I am going to go to UB next semester and finish my 2nd Masters. In the long run it isn't that much money, and I will be done in a year, provided I do 3 cred summer, 6 credit fall, 9 credit spring, 3 cred summer, 6 credit fall. It won't be that tough. And it's a topic I love.
I'm already making moves to get my finances in order so I can do additional school. But I just need to get moving on this stuff. I find that I've been stagnant on a lot of junk at particular times.
I'm thinking I should go back and get my RN or LPN. Why? Because like EVERYBODY in this new cancer field has some clinical letters behind their name. And it helps overall, I guess. It couldn't hurt, I suppose. LPN is the weaker of the two, and there's an LPN here at the office and he is a fat mess. I mean he is psychotic. The RN would be more work, and I could always do a bridge later in the years. Meh. Who knows.
I'm going to start working out again tomorrow morning. I've just been putting it off. My walking is fine, and my eating is not completely out of control, but I still need to do some stuff. At least 3 times a week.
Oh, and I am going to be going out LESS now. Maybe just twice a week. Back on a budget we go! Woo hoo!
Sigh. Fun.
I don't think I have posted in a bit. I've been reading when I have time, but I haven't posted. And that's kind of wrong. I guess I recognized I am "facebooking" my LiveJournal, as I read stuff and really don't comment. I guess it exercises the voyeur in me. Meh.
BUSY
There is SO much going on right now. With the new position as an Administrator, I have 20 times the responsibility. I am in charge of two initiatives for the Health Department, and boy is that a lot to do. Mostly it requires me to go to a crapload of meetings right now as I get my feet situated for all of this, but given the disparity of the two foci (cancer and gay men), I have a lot to do. In Baltimore HIV and STD rates among gay men are going up, and the cancer rate in Baltimore is already high. I must find a way to cub both. Huh, THAT will be easy.
MOVE
The move is FINALLY over. I am finally in my 2 bedroom. It's nice to have so much more space, but in some ways, it doesn't seem like that much space. My living room is pretty much close to done (just must hang up 2 more things or so), but my bedroom and den are wrecks. I haven't unpacked so much stuff. I need time, but I really don't have it. I have so much to do. To make matters worse, I'm hosting a few people at my place next Saturday (21st), so everything needs to be "together" by that point. Yeesh.
SCHOOL
Do you mean finishing this degree or teaching? Well, let's do both. My advisor is more motivated about me getting all of this degree stuff done than I am, mainly because she's pregnant. I realize that I don't like her (at all) but I respect her opinion, so I will listen to her. I just want to get it done. Teaching is fun; its one of the bright spots of my week. Nobody has dropped from my class as of yet, which is a great thing.
PRESENTATIONS
I have like TWO coming up in the next 8 days, as I have to do my Eastern Sociological Society Presentation and my presentation for the Reverse Research day. I am honored for both opportunities, but I am also STRESSED OUT.
LENT
Is it half over yet? Please?
So, Im going to call the building and tell them I need until Friday. I don't think they have anyone moving in before that, and if it takes that long, I will accept a penalty if need be. I mean, this IS my fault. If I actually had power at the place, I could probably get things done in an evening, but it's dark and cold in the old place, so I only have two hours of daylight as soon as I get home. Yeesh.
Beyond that, everything else seems to be going on a system of balance. I'm not sure if there's anything I should be terribly worried about, but it all seems to be going well right now. I guess the only thing that's partially stressing me out is that Ireland is going to be a $1000 just to go, plus the money I spend there. I'm just cheap; I don't want to spend the money at all.
School's okay.
Sigh. I don't want to be at work right now. I wish I had more vacation time.
SD
- My new job is pretty intense, even though I haven't really started
- I'm moving this weekend, starting tonight
- I have to save even more money than I thought because I am going to Ireland
- Robby Ireland is a hot porn star
- It's Friday so its only fish and seafood. Bleck
- Maybe I can hang with Dave tonight
- Hanging on my date was bad; it went awful; he was boring
- I don't think I have time to be bored anymore. Too much to do.
- For some reason Chex Mix bars give me a major vibe. Like a buzz.
- Chex Mix bars are awesome and healthy. Only 140 calories.
- I almost got hit by a car this morning walking
- I've walked a total of 27 miles this week so far. Trying to hit 35 by Saturday afternoon
- It's supposed to rain tomorrow. I hope it is a thunderstorm.
VACTICAN I - Under the old Vatican system, you actually give up something physical, and boy am I. For 47 solid days, I will eat no beef. None. That will be extremely painful, with a solid month and a half devoted to chicken, turkey, fish, and seafood (because I don't eat pork already). But, it is the surrendering that is the thing that makes it good. I hope. No hamburgers. No steak fajitas. Yikes.
VACTICAN II - Under the new Vatican system, its about "being a better person" rather than giving up some physical vice. So, in that, I am giving up contradicting other people in non-academic settings. Well, the bottom line is that I am a professor, so I have to contradict people to SOME degree in class. But out of class, dead silence is what they will get. It is both Catholic and Taoist. One of the hardest Taoist lessons for me to learn is that sometimes the world, God, existence needs to teach a lesson. One cannot be fully instructed on everything. So, I need to keep my opinions to myself.
ADAPTATION - I'm giving up critical and mean thoughts about people. I did this to a degree last Lent, but now I want to do it as a way of life. What I will do is put a quarter into a jar everytime I have a bad thought about someone. I will either be more virtuous, or a very wealthy jerk.
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Today I need to call all of my places and get my cable, electric and phone switched. Yikes. This will take forever.
CONFERENCE - My abstract got accepted for the last conference I submitted for! Yes! That makes me 3 for 4 so far, and I will find out about the Prevention conference in a month or two. Again, I am siked, and hopeful.
RESERVES - I am actually looking forward to Reserves, just to get it over with. I will be so glad when my time is up.
MONEY - My cash flow is AMAZING this month. I've got a buttload of excess cash, which makes me thrilled.
This isn't even close to over. I'm no economist, but I am going to say we are somewhere close to the middle of the fall. Why? Because even Barack, who is in no way a worrier, is predicting things won't get better this year. That means ten more months of crap, and more people are going to lose their jobs. A whole lot of people. They are talking about unemployment at 8%. I am thinking (and a year ago predicted) closer to 10% by December. Just watch.
The middle class will be decimated. Face facts: the imbeciles who believed they could debt themselves into "pretty" are about to have a long lesson in humility. I'm sorry, but carrying $10,000 in credit card debt is not stupid, it's unconsciable. Completely. There has to be something wrong with anyone who thought they'd pay that back in anything less than, say, 8 years. The theory is that the savings rates have shot up because people are stocking money away. I don't buy it. I think wealthier (upper middle class) people are stocking money away (and lots of it, in hopes that when the stock market recovers, they can re-invest), but that the middle class is trying to pay down credit (I stress trying, and doing so badly) and save something. I've found that I have more money saved than most of my contemporaries for one reason: I had a process of saving set for years, and for me, saving now is just like saving 3 years ago.
So the working class is about to grow in a big way, and the "paycheck to paycheck" set is about to explode; I'd bet the people that are two paychecks away from welfare is astounding now.
Recovery will take a score, or more. I read a report yesterday that conceded that the housing market was inflated to the tune of 40%, which means a $300,000 house is really only worth $180,000...at BEST. And the feeling of this report is that in order for the housing market to get balanced, it has to get to 1990's prices before recovery can even take place. That means a lot of the country, a lot of it, will be underwater in their mortgages. And it will take 15-20 years for prices to get back up. They won't shoot back up. It might be 2015 before the Dow gets back to 15,000. Maybe later.
This is for the best. Fiscal responsibility is the lesson here, as people (and companies) learn that you can't spend like a drunken sailor and expect everything to balance out. Losing a job might be cathartic, especially realizing how recession unfriendly fields might be (like architecture) and how that rainy day might come back any day. There's a reason people were recommended to have an emergency savings account, and kids, this is kind of it...
I've been getting up earlier since I got back from Montreal, which it overall a good thng. Getting up earlier in the morning means I can do the "long walk", and thus track in at least an extra mile every day. My body will appreciate me for it in the long run. I haven't been the most attentive person to my body of late, but a lot of that has to do with what is going on with my Mom. But that changes, pretty much right now.
I'm both excited and unnerved about my new job opportunity. I think it is going to be a great position of growth for me, but I also think that I need it to HAPPEN, and happen soon.
I was terrified to go to my bank accounts and my credit card accounts to see the true impact of Montreal on my finances. Final answer? No need. It really wasn't anything earth shattering. It actually went really well, in the long run. My accounts aren't suffering any, and economically I am still on "track", so to speak. Eight thousand dollars by the end of the year is still a possibility; I think I've saved an additional 2k almost. But so long as I don't have any huge purchases, I will be okay.
On that note, my friends are getting a new couch, just when they had their old redone (reupholstered?). So, they are giving me that. I'm oftentimes to bourgeois to accept anything USED, but its a wonder piece of furniture. The only thing I will really need to find is the same end table I got at Ikea. DALFORS. Hopefully it isn't discontinued....
Wow.
FRIDAY
I got to the airport in plenty of time, and I was terrified. I mean, the airport was empty. Was there something wrong/ Meh, I got to the one plane fine, and then to the second. And in Montreal? Great, eh? No! They lost my luggage. And they were so blase about it, like "oh this happens to everyone". She had the nerve to say if you would travel more you'd experience this more often. Bah, them. I've been on thousands of planes, and never have lost luggage before. Idiots.
So, I take a cab to the bed and breakfast and talk to the owner, who tells me, yes, it happens a lot: in Montreal. Seems it happens weekly at the B&B, so it wasn't that out of character. I went to a store and bought $300 worth of clothes JUST IN CASE, if my stuff didn't arrive.
So, the rest of them (who drove) arrived later (like 7 pm, 3 hours after me), and we went out to dinner to this overworked Thai restaurant. I mean, it was totally disorganized. It was like the owners decided that morning "Oh, lets open a restaurant!" and thinking they'd work out the details later. So, service sucked. But we ate.
Later the rest of the party arrived, and the guest of honor couldn't make up his mind about where we should go as far as bars. That's took forever. We finally ended up at a strip club with some HAWT boys. Stayed there until 3 am. No joke. Got to bed at 4am.
SATURDAY
They wanted to see "Old Montreal" which meant sightseeing, which I despise. I hung out as much as I could, but then ended up crashing. My luggage came early so I had plenty of clothes. The night was Valentine's Day, and amongst our group of 7 was two couples, so it was slightly uncomfortable at times. AND, the restaurant we were at was still under the "curse of Friday the 13th", so a waiter sliced his finger open, the cook quit, and reservations were lost. So, we sat for dinner at 7:30, and ate our dinner at...no joke...10. But it was fellowship (filled with alchohol) so it was all good. Afterwards we went to a drag show (which was great), and then to kareoke. Again, closed the bar.
SUNDAY
The decision was made to go to Quebec City (a two hour drive), and we started out late, so we got there later. Lunch we didn't get until 3pm, and we walked around (Ice Festival), and had a good time. We didn't get back to Montreal until 11pm, and went back to kareoke. Again, me and one other person closed the bar.
MONDAY
Travel day. Got home okay, but I was exhausted.
I cannot WAIT to travel out of the country again!!
CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1: My son got into DeVry yesterday
CONSTRUCTION WORKER 2: Wow. What did he have to do? Open the door?
CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1: Can't you just give me this???
Analyst. Bureau Chief. Soldier. Son. Graduate student. Professor. Friend. Counselor. EMT. In the past week I've had toi act as all of these, and frankly it gets tiring.
That's one reason that I am looking forward to Canada this weekend. I just need to get away and not worry about anyone or anything. At all. The stress is enough to drive me insane.
I've been giving serious consideration to giving up on the idea of a PhD and just getting a graduate certificate (from Hopkins school of Public Health) in addition to the second Masters in Legal and Ethical Studies. It's kind of annoying, I guess to people who say "just go and get the PhD, but...meh...screw it. I'm going to look into the graduate certificates at Hopkins tonight.
Tom so wants to date me, and the last thing on the planet I want to do is date him. Im being so superficial. He's attractive. He's smart. He's driven. He just sounds....I can't even type it. It's so pathetic of me.
There are things I should be doing right now. Best to do them.
SD
Managed to pay all of my bills and do my taxes. I will get fed back, but owe for the State. That is Maryland every friggin year. I hate it.
I think I finalize today if I am moving today. I have to go talk to the building manager. I suppose I can tell her "yes, I am willing to move in two weeks". Although it does involve some cost to me; not moving, per se, but the cost of buying some new furnture (most notably a bigger flat screen television and a new couch). I've decided I am definitely turning the second bedroom into a study/den with the current sofa I have as a sofa/sofabed. But I have to start pricing a new one, and one that goes with my current chair. Hrrr.
WEIRD. I am so used to having something to do just about every night of the week, that I don't know what to do with myself. It used to be happy hour with Marty on Mondays, school on Tuesdays, school on Wednesdays, teach on Thursdays, part time on Fridays, pray for the weekends. NOW? It's Marty on Mondays, nothing on Tuesdays, nothing on Wednesdays, teach on Thursdays, nothing on Fridays. This is weird. For so long I would wish for "time off" so I could just do "nothing", whereas now I am dreading this much free time. I've decided to busy it by hitting the fitness room in my apartment building three times a week. Just something that doesn't involve either gaining ridiculous calories or spending money, because I don't need to be spending anything.
PROGRESSION. Okay, so I registered for my last "non class" in grad school, which is a one credit "Im graduating and not taking any courses" class. It feels good. Set up meetings with my thesis advisor to get this junk done. Oh, and I turned in abstracts to two other conferences, which is good. And found a journal where I think I can get published.
FOCUS. What type of sociologist am I? Social inequality? Communication Theory? Urban? I'm pretty certain that "urban" is my subtype, because I don't have much interest in rural or international sociology. And I do care about commo, so communication theory (internet) is probably one of my bags. That was weird; I answered my own question.
I will type more later.
It started with finishing that verdammt grant, and making sure it got out of the door. And yes, it most certainly did; it was delivered to the State building at 2:44 PM. Yay. We may not get the grant; there were hundreds piled up at the place, but at least we gave it the ol' college try.
My phone started to die, and I got a new one which is essentially a replica of my old favorite phone. Which is...unimportant.
I thought I was getting to teach the Race and Cultural Minorities class, but it got yanked from me by a full-timer. So, I am teaching Intro to Sociology again. Instead of being ticked off, I am actually grateful; I could be teaching nothing. So that means an extra couple of thousand bucks for the Spring semester, which can all go into my savings account.
The savings account which got a chunk taken out of it once I paid my tuition. Five thousand dollars is a difficult check to write, let me tell you. Well, again, I have to think of the positive. I still have savings and a lot of it. So, all is good.
Oh, and on school, it was the last semester of my course that I taught during the winterim, so they got their final last night. Most have seemed to do well; there are many A's. There's a couple of C's, so that's worrisome. Oh, and the fact that some of the papers were awful. A few D's.
This weekend is a "I don't have Army Reserves" weekend, as it will be bouncy for the next month. I had Reserves last weekend, but not this weekend. I have Reserves next weekend (7th) but not the weekend after that (14th). I have Reserves the weekend after that (21st) but not the last weekend of the month (28th). Man - it gets old.
Ran into Tom, and we will probably do dinner. Still not interested.
I keep wondering when my life will get "more exciting", but it's actually pretty interesting now, truth be told....
