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Random Realizations

Just want to really get these down:

* on the shuttle bus ride I saw two people walking with canes.  I realized how much of a fear that is for me in my later life, the ability to not get around.  I mean, yeah, to a degree it is inevitable, but one man was so hunched over he looked like an angle.  I recognize I run alot so the likelihood of that being my future is less than high.  However, that, and losing my memories, are two big fears of the future.  I know - too early to have those kinds of fears.

* I recognize that if everything goes according to plan, by this time next year I will be in the midst of my dissertation.  That's a big deal.  I can still remember looking at students at the local university with contempt in 1999-2000, seeing them going to school after 5pm and mentally admonishing them for continuing studies.  I honestly just felt guilty that I did so poorly in my studies at Washington College and barely earned the accolades I did.  Fast forward 16 years, and I have three more degrees than that moment, and am working on my fifth(!) degree, a doctorate.  Odd how life changes.  And two years from now, in August of 2018, if all is really aligned, I'll be on the market looking for my first full-time teaching position, ready to finish my PhD in December.  Yikes.

* I clearly have some barrier about relationships.  Yes, well, my own of course, but also others.  There are three friends who live close by (in Baltimore or DC) who are now engaged to be married.  One I just learned about this weekend.  Odd thing?  In all of those situations, (a) the people have been together for 2 years or less, and (b) all involve infidelity; my friends in all 3 circumstances were cheated on.  Maybe it's me; trust is a huge thing.  And in these circumstances all 3 people were pretty blatant about how they cheated.  But all 3 were forgiven.  I guess all of my friends are better people than I - I don't think I would have forgiven...at all.

* Ft Lauderdale is in two days and I'm kind of excited.  I'm glad to get away and not have to obsess about work and school for a few days.  I'm glad to have no responsibilities for six days.  I'm glad I'll get to sit by the pool and just start drinking at 10am if I want to.  I'm glad I get to go running beside the Atlantic Ocean every day.

* I didn't run this morning.  I should have - I could have, but I slacked.  I'm telling myself I will run when I get home, but I also recognize how it has thrown me off completely today.  I feel like the Matthew Sweet song "Sick of Myself" is my themesong today...sigh.

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